mortal lies
by Notus Lethe
Summary: He tried to put the death behind him; he tried. But he can't. Because all he ever was is now dead. All he ever cared about is gone. Dead. RL/SS


Another OotP fic, this time about Remus Lupin. It's a songfic, set to Evanescence's "My Immortal" which is so beautiful it hurts me when I listen to it. This fic turned out funky. It has slashy hints but nothing moreso than Disney movies. I really like this one. Italics are song lyrics. There are some flashbacks, but you should be smart enough to figure them out for yourself. Flashbacks and present time are NEVER together after song lyrics. Contact me at angelfire2996@yahoo.com if you want.

mortal lies  
a harry potter story  
by charisma

_True love never dies, no matter how much you might wish it to_.  
--x-files

_~*~_

I'm so tired of being here

A day had never passed when he didn't believe in God. There were no rules, no strict religions nothing to cast restrictions upon him. But he did believe in God. He knew that there had to be some higher power. All these things that happened, his disease, his powers, all of them had to be for a purpose. Someone had to know why it was all happening. If there hadn't been someone who made all this for a greater good, then he couldn't be living. No reason to exist would be left.

His fingers smoothed across the now clean banister as he headed upstairs to the bedroom. _Their_ bedroom. And everything inside cried out to just run. To run far far away and never again look at this place. He did well to ignore the terrible tremors that wracked his body and stood silently in front of the wooden door.

Suppressed by all my childish fears

Closed doors had never held anything good for him. Behind them always lurked some test, always provided some never before known cure that wouldn't work. Those doors had made his life hell before he had run away. Now, there was nothing to prevent him from just entering that damned room. Nothing at all. Except himself.

And if you have to leave   
I wish that you would just leave   
Cause your presence still lingers here   
And it won't leave me alone

A crest from the Black family had been carved deeply into the dark wood, but now it was hastily scratched out. So proud had that symbol stood for many generations and it had been the first thing Sirius violently assaulted with his knife, anger forcing tears from his eyes as he attacked so wretchedly that he started letting sunlight from the room shine through the holes. Carefully, he had touched Sirius, cradled him in his arms while the man had shouted and cried. And for all his might, he couldn't shake off the memory of that warm body. He couldn't forget, no matter how much he wanted.

These wounds won't seem to heal   
This pain is just too real

He collapsed against the wood, scraping his arms. Even as his healing powers from the werewolf blood quickly erased those signs, he knew that the wounds inside wouldn't heal so quickly. If they ever did. His forehead pounded against the door.

There's just too much that time cannot erase   
When you cried I'd wipe away of all your tears   
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears   
I held your hand through all of these years

How many times after James' death had he been forced to be the strong one? How many times did he hold Sirius and sooth away the plagues of guilt, the longing to take James' son and protect him from everything in the world? He had always blamed himself, had always sought to be the guilty party and there his furry friend had been, clutching the weak man in his arms. Even after Sirius' supposed crimes and imprisonment in Azkaban he hadn't forgotten and his friend haunted every aspect of his life.

But you still have   
All of me

But Sirius was dead. Dead, he was dead and gone but here he still stood. He was in Sirius' house, staring at their bedroom door and remaining unable to clear his mind of the longhaired man. What had happened in Azkaban that turned Sirius into what he had become? Where had the man gone that he had loved so much?

You used to captivate me   
By your resonating light

Charisma had seemed to be siphoned off the man's veins during their tirade at school. Sirius had seemed a being of evanescence, rising above the pale standards of man as a brilliant shining thing. The past year with him, staying in the Black house, seemed to have changed that perspective. He had always imagined Sirius like a bright glittering star, so much as his namesake, but dark shadows had seemed to descend. His surname had finally swallowed the luster that had been him. So much life

Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind

Oh no. Harry. He hadn't even thought of how Harry would respond to the departure of his godfather. Guiltily, the man struggled to stand and hurry down the stairs. He'd need to get to the train station and pick up Harry and comfort that poor, poor boy. Protecting him was a job that Sirius had seemed to pick up after he had escaped from Azkaban But the man stopped. Was that all he was now? Some fading remnant of Sirius fulfilling all his promises and shouldering all his responsibilities?

Your face it hurts   
My once pleasant dreams   
Your voice it chased away   
All the sanity in me

He had not been able to sleep for a week now, having had those strange dreams that he was loosing something, that something important would be stripped away. During the night, he had clutched tighter to Sirius but now now those thoughts only seemed to hurt. Letting out a nervous laugh, he realized that he was slowly going mad. Here he was, standing at a simple door that he couldn't open and reliving all his past nightmares. All those memories that hurt so much.

These wounds won't seem to heal   
This pain is just too real

Horrified, he realized that he had been digging his fingernails into the palms of his hands and the skin wasn't repairing itself. Blood dripped down into the dark wood of the floor as he tried to staunch the flow by wiping it on his robes. Looking down quickly, he saw that there was no blood on his hands. He had been hallucinating.

There's just too much that time cannot erase   
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears   
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears   
And I held your hand through all of these years 

Sirius had run in after escaping the house for a quick run around the neighborhood. He was ecstatic, practically bouncing through the front door into the kitchen only to discover his long-time friend waiting for him, frowning.

"Remus I-"

"Didn't we warn you enough Sirius? Didn't we tell you that someone could spot you like they did at the Hogwarts Express and you'll be compromised? Don't you listen?" His voice did not rise in anger and that was the way to deal with Sirius. He would only retaliate to anger but that cold disappointment was something he couldn't handle. Looking less happy and more like a scolded puppy, Sirius huddled into the chair across, leaning heavily on his forearms.

"You can go out. You don't know what it's like to be bound up in this house all day long-"

"Bound? I don't know what it's like to be bound?" Immediately, Sirius cast his face further down, not meeting the other's face. The disease had always been a weak point with Sirius. His animal form was voluntary while his friend's was not.

"Remus" whispered, quiet, nearing tears like he always was when he remembered James' death and blamed himself for not being there when his friends needed him.

"Oh Sirius I was just worried." He came over, wrapped his arms around the taller man. "I could never be angry with you."

Sirius was lost in his gentle weeping, something he had berated others for constantly if they did so in his presence. But not around Remus; he was never afraid for emotions around his best friend. Standing there for hours longer than comfortable, he was suddenly aware of his friend pressing hands against his cheeks, bringing down his face. It had been his first kiss in the Black household.

But you still have   
All of me

But it certainly hadn't been the last kiss. Sirius was possessive; being his lover had been the closest thing he had felt to being owned. He had never experienced another relationship.

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone

His hands were refusing to latch onto the doorknob. He couldn't seem to turn it, no matter what he said to his body. That hallucination had shaken him, shaken him to the point where all he could do was stare at his mutinous hand, wondering how he had gotten to this place and why the world was he standing at this door?

"He's dead Remus Lupin. Open the door, he's bloody dead and there's nothing in here to hurt you."

But though you're still with me

And slowly, it crept upon him, the epiphany. It nearly sent him back to his knees at the foot of the door. Nearly thirty years he had known Sirius, nearly twenty-five he'd been in love with him. And now now that he was gone it would seem his extended life would be a blessing. But it wasn't. Oh no, it wasn't a blessing at all. He would never be rid of the dark-haired man, whether for their matching M scars on the back of the knee or for the love that had so deeply grown between them, but he would never be rid him. Never. And with a life being extended by lycanthropy, never was certainly looking longer.

I've been alone all along

Had it been the lycanthropy that saved him? While all his friends had disappeared into the great beyond that was death, he still remained here. And while they had all turned into Animagi to be with him, it had been he who was cursed. Despite all they had done for him, he had always been the outcast from everything. Despite being to immersed and such a vital part to their group, he had always been alone. And now, the literally seemed to match the figuratively. He was alone. No matter who was near him, no matter who was there, he would be utterly alone.

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

"Oh Sirius you don't need to cry. I didn't mean any of it." And he brushed aside water from those sharp cheekbones, smiling brightly into that face he loved so much. Dark hair falling into his eyes, he had believed, touching his greying friend with gentle fingers.

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

"Sirius! Sirius! What is it? Another dream? Azkaban again?" He drew the larger man into his lap, hands already running through his long hair as he tried to keep his voice out of hysteria. Those hands so much larger than his own were wrapped tightly around his waist, clutching like some stuffed animal. Mollifying, he whispered nonsense words into that hair, keeping the rocking from going frantic and gently wiping those tracks from his cheeks. 

And I held your hand through all of these years

"You see Sirius? There's nothing to be afraid of." He smiled as Sirius poured his bravado back into himself to face this room. Sirius had always been one to show off, to pretend that nothing bothered him. And Remus said not a word as he put his hand on his lover's lower back, being the touchstone. Being that strength.

But you still have

Slowly, drawing breath deep inside his lungs, he pushed aside the shock of greying hair that had fallen into his eyes and gripped the cold doorknob in his hand. He shoved it open. Inside it seemed already to have been attacked by Molly Weasley. The dressers were bare, the bed made, and not a scrape of anything personal remained. This time, he couldn't prevent the weakness from pervading his limbs, his knees sinking him and his cheek resting against the cool wooden floor.

As his breath slowed and the pressure of air decreased, the frost on the floor began to melt away. If he had wanted, he could've stopped himself. He could've returned for all the things begging him to stay. But he didn't want.

Death would be welcoming. Death would be comforting. It would be everything he had longed for. Without his friends, he was nothing.

It was actually quite funny that he had willed himself to die.

All of me.


End file.
